June 12, 2008
A letter to a GOGI Sister,
My intention is to just let the words flow and share my words with you.
June 11, 2008 was a HUGE stepping stone for us here in Ottawa, Ontario, Canada, in the Aboriginal Community. Yesterday, our Prime Minister apologized to all 150,000 or so aboriginals who attended residential schools. As I sat on my couch watching the speeches, tears came to me as I knew deep down in my heart, that our Prime Minister was indeed, also apologizing to me. Prime Minister Harper took accountability and apologized for past actions when previous PM’s did not have the courage to see the truth. The Prime Minister asked forgiveness of the Aboriginal Community of the country for failing them so profoundly.
As the Prime Ministers’ MP’s (caucus) spoke, they too were very moved by their words and they too, were making history by “breaking” the silence and making history for our future. They spoke from the heart and as the people sat outside of Parliament Hill, watching the big screen, hearing these apologies, I could see the healing process begin, even for those who did not attend the residential schools.
The residential schools if you are not aware, were initially set up to educate native children but later became part of a government campaign to assimilate aboriginals and eradicate their culture, “to kill the Indian in the child” as one put it. Children of all ages were forced from their homes and put into these schools. 150,000 students attended these schools which were run by church-men, nuns and priests who in return abused these children. So abuse as you can see, comes from all walks of life, even “God’s” worshipers. The children rarely saw their parents and nor as one survivor said: “some school officials would not contact the children’s parents when their child had passed away. They were buried in a grave without a marker…..” I heard another survivor speak of what the nuns did, I can not begin to comprehend nor am I willing to put it down in words….. This, if I’m not mistaken, had been going on for at least 147 years, this is one of Canada’s darkest chapters in history.
For some individuals the healing process will continue, for some it has only just begun and for others, well, they thought that the PM’s and MP’s apologies were not truly authentic, which in my opinion is all about choice. We all have the choice to heal or not. It only takes one person to make a difference and this is what I witnessed. This is just the first steps for Parliament.
Take Nora B. for instance, she was the first Native School Activist who spearheaded the class action lawsuit against the federal government. And it was only after 12 years of fighting that Nora Bernard and the other survivors across Canada were finally proven right. Sadly in 2007 Nora was murdered. So I thank her for taking accountability for us all. I woke up this morning feeling different, different in the fact that internally my feelings about the abuse had shifted. You see, I was also a child of abuse.
I went years and years not even acknowledging that fact that the abuse had ever happened. It wasn’t until I was in my 20’s and went to therapy for many years without even addressing the issue of the abuse. Today I know that it was all about trust…. trusting myself that is….
Life didn’t seem easy for me, I struggled with depression for most of my childhood up and until I was 33 years old. Despair, grief, heartache, isolation were not a stranger to me. I was subjected to a lot of negativity, verbal/mental/physical and sexual abuse. I recall as a child of 4 feeling so unimportant. I had low self esteem, I suffered from migraines and had terrible nightmares. I felt lost, confused, lonely and miserable. I was constantly afraid of being punished or beaten that I became extremely accident prone. My emotional state was horrendous, I was so afraid to just “BE” me. My childhood and my soul were violated at such a tender age, and that’s when, I “decided” to hide my face so the world would never find me…..
I had many years of nightmares that in the long run, I was subjected to insomnia. I was sent to a physiologist when I was 10 and concluded that I was dyslexic, I struggled even more. I was a child who hardly cried or smiled. I prayed to God to die during the day and I prayed to God to keep me alive at the night…..
Through high school and up into my adult life. I self mutilated and thoughts of suicide pondered. I went through high school never thinking that I would live past the age of 15. I stayed alone with my feelings and alone I felt. I hated the world…..
At the age of 19, I moved out on my own. I thought that things would change but the patterns followed and I felt even more disconnected. I didn’t know much about life skills, I felt like I had no roots, and I continued to rebel in my own little way. The depression did not subside and I isolated myself even more.
At the age of 21, I attend an open house for survivors of abuse. Not knowing what was to be expected…. that night, was the first time I had ever spoken to anyone about my past, a room full of strangers who afterwards didn’t feel like strangers. Although, my life somewhat changed, I still struggled.
For many years I stayed in therapy just so that I could exist….. My soul yearned so much for someone to acknowledge my existence. I had a very hard time trusting and “trying” to convince myself that it would be for my own benefit to talk about my “saga”, but just couldn’t do it, as I felt shameful and embarrassed. My behaviour wasn’t improving either and I continued to self mutilate. Nothing seemed to be working, so I decided to stop the therapy, I simply gave up…..it felt like a shore never reached…..
Years went by and I still managed to “function”. I had my fair share of failed relationships, frightened friends away with my rollercoaster emotions and continued living the life I only knew.
Then one day, it hit me, the emotional trauma had once again confronted me. I then felt like I didn’t have a choice BUT to consult my family physician and was prescribed medication. I thought I could do this all alone and not have to be medicated but my body no longer was able to function.
I didn’t think that the medication was helping. I didn’t it wasn’t about the medication at all, it was about me NOT willing to deal with the abuse and other issues. I choose to stay silent which wasn’t the best strategy. By staying silent, I had lost myself, I couldn’t even remember how to write my name and found myself in my early 30’s in the hospital under surveillance from trying to take my own life and was then admitted to a psychiatric hospital for 5 weeks as an outpatient. I had the “choice” to face the facts or go back to how I was before. I found this to be the hardest thing to do. Feelings started to surface, that I didn’t even knew existed, my body ached, I cried like I never cried before, it felt like my body was going to explode. It was so intense, I self mutilated continuously….. the emotional pain was too intense, so by hurting myself I could at least control “this” type of pain….. or so I thought.
As mentioned, during my 5 weeks, I continued to self mutilate and it wasn’t until the day I decided to reach out and call my friend Lyne, did the wounds start to heal. I rolled up my sleeves to show her, I cried, she looked at me, put her arms around me and gave me a hug. No words were exchanged, just profound love for a friend in need. From that day forward, I didn’t feel the need to hurt myself again. I only trusted a few people and she was one of them. I did not have the family support as I did not inform them of my “saga”. I needed to heal and tend to myself before I even started thinking about telling them. To this day, I still have not told them, there’s no need.
I stayed on the medication for about three years, which for some might seem long. BUT looking back on what I went through as a child, three years wasn’t. Even though I was against taking the medication, I knew that I could not do this alone and that I need the help.
Once I left the hospital, I was a little more stable and able to function while still on medication. Things started looking up and then I was introduced to alternative medicine/meditation/personal growth and courses, etc. My body needed a change, it had endured enough, and I wanted a new lead on life.
Then I met Coach Taylor in 2000 or so and once I started trusting myself more, I understood that safety resided in the truth and the “truth” is what I saw in her. From then on, I knew that I would never ever be alone again. I noticed more things had begun to change, now that I had someone, a “friend” to share my feelings with. I knew that there would be no judgement on her part no matter what I had shared with her. Slowly, I started to make peace with myself and things just started unfolding. I also knew that before I could change anything else, I had to change the conversation I was having with “myself”. So by taking tinier steps and asking for help, I knew that this would change my life profoundly.
Coach Taylor also suggested that I listen to some of her CD’s and for about a year, I went to bed listening and knowing that she was with me, gave me peace of mind and the comfort of her voice helped my healing process.
This past year, Coach Taylor suggested over and over again to write, pray and meditate. Over and over again I “chose” not to take her advice. I just couldn’t understand what the purpose was to writing or how this would help me in any way. OR better yet, maybe I still just didn’t want to deal with the issues of abuse. So I left it at that…..
I knew I had to get my life back and the invitation to dance the dance of LIFE was calling me. For the first time, I was able to begin to live a life I never thought possible. Even though it was challenging at times, I knew that this was all a part of my healing process. I had to come face to face with the fact that this was a crucial point in my life to heal and evolve.
The internal conversations I was having with myself were no longer serving me and I knew that I couldn’t continue thinking this way. Remember your ears hear everything you’re saying…..
In September 2007, I emailed my friend Céline. I asked her if she would do some coaching with me. She suggested I make a wanted list and to also write for 10 straight days for an hour. Go deep she said, go deep….. Well, just hearing those words, my first instincts were to run and hibernate. It took everything I had to write. It’s hard to describe how I felt just trying to put the words on paper/email….. Then the next think I knew, I was flying out to see her for in depth personal coaching sessions, as I did with Coach Taylor in 2005.
So after some phone calls to Céline and some coaching emails, I realize how POWERFUL writing was….. I did apologize though to Coach Taylor for doubting her words and advice…. It was all about choice and I choose not to take her advice and once I did AMAZING internal shifts happened. My views and thoughts about relationships shifted, my thought process today was no longer the same and I owe it ME for taking ownership of my LIFE!! My reality expanded, my self-esteem grew, my body stopped hurting and my soul began to flourish. With the help of both Coaches and with my authentic self, I was able to attain what I was looking for.
I now depend on the courage of my questions which improved my life tremendously that today I no longer see my past as my life, my past is part of my history. I have all the confidence and understanding that this was and is the path that is beneficial for me.
I am a firm believer that everything in our lives happens for a reason. Mind you, not everything makes sense to me from time to time; like watching your childhood friend die from breast cancer and leaving her 3 young children (I have NEVER felt so helpless in my life), or feeling unresourceful and living so far way when your friend looses her home to a house fire or being abused. Somewhere down the road you will eventually understand why all of this had happened or why it’s happening and/or why the same issues are reoccurring. Even though internally I was hurting, Coach Taylor kept reminding me and securing the fact that whatever hell I went through that it would be SO beneficial in helping the GOGI women, that my past would help so many. Today, I truly believe her.
I don’t think I ever cried about or from the abuse. I was just a very angry kid which makes sense to me today. And maybe today, there’s no need for tears. I never really said that I had forgiven the abusers either. I hated what they had done to me. The MOST important thing for me was to forgive myself and forgive that child of 4. Healing is a process and sometimes healing can be painful and it can also be very rewarding. Yes, I was a child of 4 AND today I am NO longer that child of 4.
I still on the occasion have coaching conversations with Coach Taylor and Céline, well, it’s not really a coaching session more like a conversation.
All of this did not come over night, it took some time for me to be able to absorb these massive insights. I started to “pay attention” and asking for what I wanted in life instead of what I didn’t want. I also allowed myself not to know. MY truth will have a huge impact on my internal being. Trust your instincts and know that your body will NEVER lie to you.
I’m a part of life and life is a part of me. I continue daily to implicate what I have learned and most of all I learned that I have a “CHOICE”. I’m full of life, I sleep peacefully, I’m very confident and compassionate person. Today, I smile not because I have too but because my heart and soul are truly very happy.
With support and self trust I know that anyone can surpass personal challenges. We owe it to ourselves the self acknowledgement and surpassing our limits. To trust yourself and love that child, after all, this is all that she wants really…..
Nobody is a nobody…..
Know that you are never alone and that your past is not your life. “Life” is with you, not against you. Let life guide you on your journey down the road that never ends, and if you listen closely, there is a song in your heart, all you’ll have to do is listen…..
I am going to take these last moments to say how honoured I am that I was given this opportunity to share my accomplishments and feelings with you. One last thing before I sign-off, I want to take this time to share with you my personal heart felt apologies. I am taking accountability in honour of you all for any or all of your sufferings that you may have suffered.
With regards,
Coach Jo
Here are a few poems that I found and wish to share with you.
We only limit ourselves because of our fears.
You can live three weeks without food.
You can live three days without water.
But you cannot live three minutes without hope.